Like most Americans, this recent school shooting in Roswell has really hit home for my family. We are left dumbfounded, scratching our heads, asking why? What in the world would possess a child to shoot his classmates? Among today’s headlines we see another shooting. A man shoots another man inside a movie theater after an altercation over texting. No doubt the texting was annoying, but to kill someone over it? It seems as if the shooter had been eagerly waiting for someone to push him over the edge; looking for an excuse to hurt someone as badly as he had been hurt. As if he needed someone to share in his pain. I sincerely wish that prevention of these types of tragedies were as simple as passing gun control laws, but in reality most of us know that this is a complicated mix of emotional health, societal and legislative issues. As I reflect on the civilian shootings that have made headlines in my lifetime, I see the common denominator…the perps have been males.
I have two sons. They are 4 and 6 years old. I have witnessed these two boys and their little friend’s progress through the following life stages: at about 2 years they begin their obsessions with trains and locomotives spending hours putting tracks together and creating imaginary scenarios for their trains to fall off cliffs and bridges. At 3 years old they begin a fascination with fire engines and rock crushing monster trucks. Somewhere between 4 and 5 years old they move into fighting ninjas with swords using wild kicks and punches. At about this time, we also witness them using their thumb and index fingers to simulate a pistol. Among my circle, this is true even for boys whose parents have never exposed them to guns. Perplexing, don’t you think? I have come to think there is a “shoot ‘em up, bang-bang” gene in every male. I am not a scientist, but it would make sense that in pre-modern times, this innate urge to defend and kill in males is a survival mechanism. Historically there has been a male role-model to teach young boys how to use this instinct to protect and feed their families. Now in the current day U.S., eminent danger is not a daily part of life for most, but males continue walking around with this instinct and if not nurtured properly, can lead to misuse and consequently tragedy. I don’t pretend to be an expert in any of this, but it seems to me the best prevention begins at home.
Recently, I had a conversation with a friend of mine. She is a mother of 4 with kids ages 5 to 18 yrs, three of them are boys. I was telling her how I was concerned about my youngest son being competitive academically. She says to me, “What you should really being asking yourself is this....is He kind? Is he a kind person to people, to pets, to his toys and other people’s property? This is what really matters. Everything else will fall into place.” Yes, intellect matters but emotional intelligence including kindness, patience, tolerance, compassion, forgiveness and humor are the tools that will keep our kids from shooting up schools and public places. Yes, it is a complicated issue, but who will deny that this is the best place to start with our kids?
Out of curiosity, I asked Suri on my iPhone about empathy. Her response, “I do not understand Empathy. I can look it up on the web.” No, Suri would not understand empathy because she is a computer; full of knowledge, yes, but completely lacking in the understanding of the human condition. This is the direction we are headed as we attempt to pump large amounts of information into our kids without taking the time to help them understand and communicate their emotions.
I know a story of a young boy who at breakfast one morning asked his father what he wanted him to be when he grew up. The boy excitedly prompted, “A doctor, Daddy? A police officer? How about an astronaut?” The Father looked at his son for moment, then simply responded, “Son”, he said, “I want you to be kind.” That’s it. No dreams of grandeur for this Dad. He only wanted his son to be kind to others.
I encourage parents not only to teach kindness and communication of emotions, but also to tell your kids they are wonderfully made. Explain to them there has never been another person exactly like them, not now, not ever. They are one-of-a-kind. Be real with them and help them to understand that love and joy is a part of life as is suffering and pain. It is not a question of if we will suffer because everyone does. Some of the most pivotal people throughout history who brought about positive change experienced tremendous suffering. Even Jesus did, and he is the Son of Man! These people show us how the defining thing in life is how we will carry on and search for the beauty in life amidst the suffering. We need to be able to find purpose in the pain.
Lastly, help your children shift the focus away from themselves and look at the grand scheme of things. Even if you don’t believe in God or are unsure about your faith, allowing your children to believe there is a Creator watching over them and holding them accountable for their actions is a gift worth being uncomfortable over. All religion aside, it seems to me, we are doing more harm than good telling our kids there is no God and teaching them to believe they simply came about as a random act of nature and evolved from a single cell organism. Few can argue that there is no HOPE in this. Hope is what lifts us up when we are consumed by pain, anguish and despair. Inspirational Author, H. Jackson Brown. Jr. said, “Never deprive someone of hope; it might be all they have.”
On a final note, I was asking my son on the way to school if he knows who loves him. He began with the list, “Mommy, Daddy, Brother, Grandma, Grandpa…” I nodded approvingly and said, “yes, and who loves you most of all?” He looked up at me with bright eyes and a big smile and answered, “GOD!” I am at peace knowing that if this precious life doesn’t go as planned, my son knows deep down that he is deeply loved and if all else fails, he will have hope for a brighter day and I wish the same for every child.
Thanks for reading. God Bless!
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